This was laugh out loud for me 🤣. Well written Andy.
I am from the north west but live in London. A few years ago we went to a wedding in Kent. The groom was my husband’s Uni friend and I didn’t know him or his crowd at all. Some of the guests were talking about going to Leeds castle the day after the wedding. I thought they bloody bonkers and told my husband they could count us out and we shifted quickly the next morning and drove back to London. I swear it was years before I found out that Leeds castle is not actually in Leeds. I thought they looked at me funny when I told them there was no chance I was going all that way a day after a wedding!
Thanks, Rebecca. Great to hear you enjoyed it. Haha, excellent. We had a similar tale when we got married - some Scottish pals assumed it was in Leeds, West Yorkshire and only realised the day before. Bet they were delighted!
I love how we collectively decide to stage the most ridiculous scenarios for our kids in the name of Christmas magic, powered by booze and cheese. :D I remember, many years ago, it actually snowed on Christmas Eve so, obviously, I decided to create reindeer hoof-prints on the front lawn. I couldn't wait to see their little faces when they saw them in the morning.
The thing is, it wasn't going to be as mind-blowing a sight if the lawn was also covered in my footprints. So, I fashioned a long poking device using walking sticks and umbrellas, and there we were, at midnight. Me, leaning as far out over the lawn as possible, poking artful and scientifically-accurate hoof-prints into the snow, whisper-yelling instructions to my husband who stood on the doorstep and hung onto my free hand to stop me falling. My Dad hung onto him to stop him toppling forward. It was almost certainly the world's first human-reindeer-hoof-print-making-chain. It took 90 minutes, and I was thrilled with the results. The kids got up about 3.5 hours later. Amid the excited gasps as they entered the lounge, I drew their attention to the sight out the window.
"Huh," they said, and ran back to their gifts. Within about eight minutes, they had no recollection of it whatsoever. ;D
So funny , laughed out loud at work whilst scoffing my cheese and marmite sandwich , nearly lost a piece of cheese from my mouth ! Love that Louise is roping you into to tasks🤣🤣 giving out the left over biscuits in school play ground 🤣🤣🤣🤣
HNY, Andy! Glad to have you back after your little hiatus. Omg the Ketamine incident is funny but not funny. And your son did a great job with the face paint - 5 stars 🌟👏
Ha, cheers, Sara. I rang the pub later and it all sounded ok. Can only imagine his sinking feeling the next day/going back to work, though - jeez. Think I'd be after a career change.
Thanks for reading - sounds like you all had a blast from your post!
Hitting 2025 in excellent style here Andy, nicely done (thanks for the shout out too!)
I can think of at least half a dozen work Christmas parties that would've been improved immeasurably by horse tranquilisers. Funnily enough, I've heard it called Blackeye Friday in several pubs I worked in, and I have only ever tended bar in genteel Surrey.
Cheers, mate. No probs - enjoyed your Hinterlands post - was very apt!
Haha - work Christmas Dos can definitely be a drag. Delighted when mine was reduced to a much less arduous fuddle in the office. Would certainly have raised eyebrows if anyone attended that on ket...
I love this post so much Andy - your Dad!! I love him even more than last year.
I've been rewatching Motherland and this post makes me think you really need to write the male version - the bit about almost ruining the magic of Christmas and clawing it back is so good!!
I genuinely can’t decide which part had me snorting more: the PTA’s “First Gentleman” duties and leftover shortbread distribution or the discovery that ketamine is not, in fact, a recommended Christmas-do garnish. Your dad’s bathroom rescue mission is the kind of surreal plot twist that could only happen on “Mad Friday,” and I salute him for his quick thinking (even if he did come out looking like he’d aged a decade). As someone who grew up in a children’s home, the idea of a ‘relaxing’ Christmas was always a legend I heard about but never actually witnessed. You’ve now confirmed that even if you avoid ketamine-laced pub toilets, children’s robotic pandas and leftover shortbread distribution are lurking to keep the stress levels high. I appreciate the hilarious honesty and comforting reminder that we can all embrace the new year in a kale-and-camembert-fueled haze. Cheers to finishing off the Lindt chocolates because dry January is for other people!”
Really glad you enjoyed it. Ha - yep, the robot panda nearly tipped me over the edge. I’ve done dry Jan in the past and, honestly, the results were not worth it for making a miserable month worse!
Fantastic stuff, another jolly good read. Whitstable is lovely, been there a few times.
Sounds like you had quite a smorgasbord of alcohol treats, that's what Chrimbo is all about! I had my parents here for 3 weeks, which was pure torture. Luckily my sister came over from the UK for the last week which helped a ton, though there were arguments and near fisticuffs a plenty.
That robot dog (yay for STEM, well done on the educational prezzies!) looks like a good time.
Thanks, Daniel. Haha - think that’s the case in every household across the land.
Yep, Louise is always the first reader. She will occasionally say, “no, that’s absolutely not going in!” but in general, she’s a very good sport. I’m usually the villain of the piece which helps, I suppose?
I had a lovely Christmas, but I did start to wonder when my holiday would start.😅 The parent’s lot I guess.
I’m not far from Leeds (Kent). The castle is our default tire-out-the-three-year-old activity at the moment - getting our money’s worth from being forced to buy a yearly ticket!
Ha. Yep, it's pretty relentless, isn't it? Work is providing a bit of respite now.
Ah, nice - you must be near my in-laws then. I am a fan of Leeds castle - good that they mix up the light show every year so there's always something new.
Glad to hear you enjoyed Christmas - thanks for reading!
This was hilarious, the picture you painted of your Dad finding out what ketamine is 😂😂
And the premise of the PTA First Gentleman 😂, we have a similar chap at our school- this is what I’ll now think of him as. Thank you for making me laugh on the grimmest of Monday’s!
Thanks for reading, Emma. Glad to hear you enjoyed it. I'm hoping my duties will relax a bit now all the Christmas stuff is over...we were roped in at the busiest time of year. Ha.
An eventful time Andy. I was laughing (although it's not actually funny) about your Dad discovering the man on the loo. I do hope they were all ok afterwards. My husband's Xmas do involved the police this year. Sadly I can't share more details, but maybe next year I can. HNY.
Thanks for reading, Margaret. I rang the pub later to check and sounded like he was in good hands - imagine his return to work will have been pretty rough, mind!
Ahh, I'm intrigued now... we will hopefully hear more someday!
This was laugh out loud for me 🤣. Well written Andy.
I am from the north west but live in London. A few years ago we went to a wedding in Kent. The groom was my husband’s Uni friend and I didn’t know him or his crowd at all. Some of the guests were talking about going to Leeds castle the day after the wedding. I thought they bloody bonkers and told my husband they could count us out and we shifted quickly the next morning and drove back to London. I swear it was years before I found out that Leeds castle is not actually in Leeds. I thought they looked at me funny when I told them there was no chance I was going all that way a day after a wedding!
Thanks, Rebecca. Great to hear you enjoyed it. Haha, excellent. We had a similar tale when we got married - some Scottish pals assumed it was in Leeds, West Yorkshire and only realised the day before. Bet they were delighted!
🤣… got to admit it’s an easy mistake!
Great stuff, Andy! Happy New Year.
I love how we collectively decide to stage the most ridiculous scenarios for our kids in the name of Christmas magic, powered by booze and cheese. :D I remember, many years ago, it actually snowed on Christmas Eve so, obviously, I decided to create reindeer hoof-prints on the front lawn. I couldn't wait to see their little faces when they saw them in the morning.
The thing is, it wasn't going to be as mind-blowing a sight if the lawn was also covered in my footprints. So, I fashioned a long poking device using walking sticks and umbrellas, and there we were, at midnight. Me, leaning as far out over the lawn as possible, poking artful and scientifically-accurate hoof-prints into the snow, whisper-yelling instructions to my husband who stood on the doorstep and hung onto my free hand to stop me falling. My Dad hung onto him to stop him toppling forward. It was almost certainly the world's first human-reindeer-hoof-print-making-chain. It took 90 minutes, and I was thrilled with the results. The kids got up about 3.5 hours later. Amid the excited gasps as they entered the lounge, I drew their attention to the sight out the window.
"Huh," they said, and ran back to their gifts. Within about eight minutes, they had no recollection of it whatsoever. ;D
Haha - that is going above and beyond - I'm impressed! Tbf, a white Christmas is so rare, why not try make the most of it?
I often find the things you put the most effort into are the ones met with indifference. Robotic panda, for instance, is now collecting dust in a box.
Thanks for reading, Sarah - Happy New Year!
So funny , laughed out loud at work whilst scoffing my cheese and marmite sandwich , nearly lost a piece of cheese from my mouth ! Love that Louise is roping you into to tasks🤣🤣 giving out the left over biscuits in school play ground 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Ah, cheers, Francis! Glad you enjoyed it. I fear there could be many, many more tasks coming my way over the next few years…
HNY, Andy! Glad to have you back after your little hiatus. Omg the Ketamine incident is funny but not funny. And your son did a great job with the face paint - 5 stars 🌟👏
Ha, cheers, Sara. I rang the pub later and it all sounded ok. Can only imagine his sinking feeling the next day/going back to work, though - jeez. Think I'd be after a career change.
Thanks for reading - sounds like you all had a blast from your post!
Hitting 2025 in excellent style here Andy, nicely done (thanks for the shout out too!)
I can think of at least half a dozen work Christmas parties that would've been improved immeasurably by horse tranquilisers. Funnily enough, I've heard it called Blackeye Friday in several pubs I worked in, and I have only ever tended bar in genteel Surrey.
Cheers, mate. No probs - enjoyed your Hinterlands post - was very apt!
Haha - work Christmas Dos can definitely be a drag. Delighted when mine was reduced to a much less arduous fuddle in the office. Would certainly have raised eyebrows if anyone attended that on ket...
I love this post so much Andy - your Dad!! I love him even more than last year.
I've been rewatching Motherland and this post makes me think you really need to write the male version - the bit about almost ruining the magic of Christmas and clawing it back is so good!!
Thanks, Faith. Motherland is brilliant, isn’t it?! Some great characters - Kevin esp!
Yes love Kevin!!
I genuinely can’t decide which part had me snorting more: the PTA’s “First Gentleman” duties and leftover shortbread distribution or the discovery that ketamine is not, in fact, a recommended Christmas-do garnish. Your dad’s bathroom rescue mission is the kind of surreal plot twist that could only happen on “Mad Friday,” and I salute him for his quick thinking (even if he did come out looking like he’d aged a decade). As someone who grew up in a children’s home, the idea of a ‘relaxing’ Christmas was always a legend I heard about but never actually witnessed. You’ve now confirmed that even if you avoid ketamine-laced pub toilets, children’s robotic pandas and leftover shortbread distribution are lurking to keep the stress levels high. I appreciate the hilarious honesty and comforting reminder that we can all embrace the new year in a kale-and-camembert-fueled haze. Cheers to finishing off the Lindt chocolates because dry January is for other people!”
Ah, cheers for reading, Matt.
Really glad you enjoyed it. Ha - yep, the robot panda nearly tipped me over the edge. I’ve done dry Jan in the past and, honestly, the results were not worth it for making a miserable month worse!
Fantastic stuff, another jolly good read. Whitstable is lovely, been there a few times.
Sounds like you had quite a smorgasbord of alcohol treats, that's what Chrimbo is all about! I had my parents here for 3 weeks, which was pure torture. Luckily my sister came over from the UK for the last week which helped a ton, though there were arguments and near fisticuffs a plenty.
That robot dog (yay for STEM, well done on the educational prezzies!) looks like a good time.
Does Louise read these? 😂
Thanks, Daniel. Haha - think that’s the case in every household across the land.
Yep, Louise is always the first reader. She will occasionally say, “no, that’s absolutely not going in!” but in general, she’s a very good sport. I’m usually the villain of the piece which helps, I suppose?
I can hardly wait for the unedited versions then!
The First Gentlemen,I love that hahaha
Thanks, Morgan! (I had to look it up.)
I had a lovely Christmas, but I did start to wonder when my holiday would start.😅 The parent’s lot I guess.
I’m not far from Leeds (Kent). The castle is our default tire-out-the-three-year-old activity at the moment - getting our money’s worth from being forced to buy a yearly ticket!
Ha. Yep, it's pretty relentless, isn't it? Work is providing a bit of respite now.
Ah, nice - you must be near my in-laws then. I am a fan of Leeds castle - good that they mix up the light show every year so there's always something new.
Glad to hear you enjoyed Christmas - thanks for reading!
This was hilarious, the picture you painted of your Dad finding out what ketamine is 😂😂
And the premise of the PTA First Gentleman 😂, we have a similar chap at our school- this is what I’ll now think of him as. Thank you for making me laugh on the grimmest of Monday’s!
Thanks for reading, Emma. Glad to hear you enjoyed it. I'm hoping my duties will relax a bit now all the Christmas stuff is over...we were roped in at the busiest time of year. Ha.
Hope you had a good Christmas!
Lovely account, Andy. Read earlier, only just had time to comment. Bravo to Louise on taking on PTA duties (and you by proxy). I’ve done my time!
Thanks, Wendy! Glad you enjoyed it - sounded like yours was pretty hectic too.
She is used to managing projects etc., with work so it suits her to a tee. Me - not so much!
Oh the things we do for our wives!
Haha, tell me about it... Thanks for reading, Henny! Hope you and yours had a great festive season.
An eventful time Andy. I was laughing (although it's not actually funny) about your Dad discovering the man on the loo. I do hope they were all ok afterwards. My husband's Xmas do involved the police this year. Sadly I can't share more details, but maybe next year I can. HNY.
Thanks for reading, Margaret. I rang the pub later to check and sounded like he was in good hands - imagine his return to work will have been pretty rough, mind!
Ahh, I'm intrigued now... we will hopefully hear more someday!
Very funny. Loved the ferrris wheel bit!
Thanks, Helen, appreciate it! It was genuinely terrifying - just far too fast. Delighted when it was over!
A great read! Your sleigh bells made me laugh because it reminded me of something from my childhood...
My dad hired a Father Christmas costume and tried to wake me up (on Christmas Eve, not just some other random day of the year).
"Ho-ho! Merry Christmas, little girl!" he said - apparently.
I have no idea as I didn't wake up...!