Conversations as a Probation Officer
Some things I've heard over the years
I’ve been working in the Probation Service since 2017. In simple terms, my job is to supervise men who have been released from prison, or sentenced to community/suspended sentence orders, and try and help them to stay on the straight and narrow.
It can (often) feel like you’re repeatedly smashing your head against a wall, but the wins - when they come - are incredibly rewarding. It’s certainly never dull.
Here are a few conversations that have stuck with me…
“Why did you punch him?”
“He hit me around the head with a frozen lasagne. It was from Asda.”“I could have played for England, me, Andy.”
“What happened?”
“I started smoking crack.”“Why did you think it was a good idea to smuggle loads of weed back from Thailand, then?”
“I really like weed.”“Delighted to hear you’ve got a house sorted. How are you settling in?”
“It’s alright, but there’s a slight problem, Andy.”
“Go on?”
“It’s haunted.”“How many children do you have?”
“I don’t know.”
“Ballpark figure?”
“Between 6 and 10?”Email from reception to all staff: Massive bag of weed found in interview room 2.
“I’ve quit drinking, Andy. Really proud of myself.”
“That’s great, well done. How did you manage it?”
“Well… I’m back on the gear.”“Your alcohol tag has come back with a high reading.”
“It’s my deodorant.”
“It’s not, is it?”
“It is. I wear a lot of deodorant.”“I’ve got some good news for you, Andy.”
“Go on…”
“I’ve quit smoking weed. Haven’t touched it in a week.”
“That’s great. What motivated you to stop?”
“It was making me worse at fighting. Slower reflexes.”
“Have you been fighting?”
“Um… no. No. I was speaking hypothetically.”“Why were you asked to leave your drugs recovery worker session yesterday?”
“I, sort of, I don’t know, snorted a line of coke.”
“What, during the appointment?”
“I just forgot where I was for a second.”
Man picks up his phone during appointment:
“Yep, one of each. Meet you in twenty minutes.”
“Were you just speaking to a drug dealer in a probation appointment ?”
“Um… no. My friend’s at the chippy.”
“What’s one of each?”
“Cod and haddock.”
Email from reception to all staff: A man is lying down on the floor in the waiting room, meditating. He is wearing no shoes.
“Is that a new Rolex?”
“Yep, it’s the real thing.”
“How did you afford it?”
“Um… I saved up my benefits.”
“You’re absolutely certain that you’re not dealing drugs again?”“Sorry, I’m late, Andy. Traffic is shocking and parking was a nightmare.”
“Did you drive here?”
“Um…”
“You are very much banned from driving, though, aren’t you? You are literally on probation for a driving offence?”
“So, just to clarify - you stole a double-decker bus?”
“Correct.”
“Why?”
“It was cold, and I couldn’t afford a taxi.”“I’ve got police intelligence saying you flew to Ibiza at the weekend. Is that true?”
“No.”
“That’s some tan you’ve got though?”
“Sunbed.”“I’ve got a good bit of advice for you, Andy.”
“Go on?”
“If you put petrol in your car, then just drive off without paying, nobody ever bothers following it up.”
“I’m not going to do that. Do you do that?”
“No.”
Email from reception to all staff: Pitbull Terrier in waiting room.
“Do you mind not brushing your teeth during the appointment?”
“Sorry…”
Stops brushing teeth, shuffles around in bag, pulls out bottle of Listerine.
“Absolutely not.”“Can I have a fiver, Andy?”
“No, sorry, we’re not allowed to do that.”
“Can you give me a spliff then?”
“No.”“When I get released, I’m gonna knock you out, you prick.”
“Right.”
2 minutes later…
“Are you going to recommend my release to the parole board then?”
“What do you think?”“Really sorry, Andy. I can’t make it in today.”
“Why?”
“My grandma’s died.”
“I’m sorry to hear it but… this is the fifth time your grandma has died?”Conversation with a Polish man through an interpreter:
“How are you today?”
Answers in Polish.
Interpreter looks sheepish.
“What did he say?”
“Sure you want to know?”
“Yep.”
“He said, f*ck you.”
“Is that all?”
“A little bit more… F*ck you, go f*ck yourself, you piece of sh*t.”
Email from reception to all staff: The man who kicked off earlier is now around the side of the office, trying to light a fire.
“How are you getting on in prison?”
“I’m not in prison, Andy. I’m Jesus, the son of God. I’m in heaven.”
“Okay.”
“One thing, though - I could really do with some more vapes.”“So, the last three times you were released from prison, you lobbed a brick through the windscreen of a police van within an hour. What’s that about?”
“I wanted to go back to prison. I missed my mates.”
“Are you going to lob a brick through the windscreen of a police van today?”
“If I’m being honest, yes, that’s the plan.”
“Could you, perhaps, not?”“Sorry to hear you’ve relapsed. Did anything happen to trigger it?”
“My hay-fever has been shocking.”
“I’m aware it’s been a high pollen count, but could you not have gone for Benadryl rather than heroin?
“When I was born, I inherited great powers.”
“Such as?”
“I was blessed with supreme intelligence. I have on of the highest IQs in the country.”
“It says here that you hit a man around the head with a snooker cue?”Call from a court officer regarding one of my cases – a 52-year-old Eastern European male escort:
“I’ve got your man in breach court, Andy. He’s currently got nowhere to stay, but he says he’s got a solution…”
“Go on?”
“He said he’s going to come and live with you?”
Email from reception to all staff: A man has defecated in the waiting room. On the nice sofa.
*
*Obviously, names not included and some details tweaked because, despite what this post might suggest, I enjoy my job (for the most part) and would rather not be sacked.
Thank you for reading. There are plenty more where these came from so might do another one of these at some point. Bizarre situations and mind-boggling conversations happen in all lines of work, so, if you have any of your own, please share in the comments. Also, please do like/share etc. if you enjoyed this.
I have previously written about my job, so you might be interested in: Probation and Parenting
Finally… if you’re feeling especially generous, you could:
Cheers and until next time!
Haha, this was excellent. I especially enjoyed the 'emails from reception' interludes.
My dad was a probation officer for 30 years. He retired when he found himself dealing with the children of his original clients.
He once sat a client down with a calculator to show him he’d have made more money on the dole and staying out of prison than engaging in a life of petty crime. Not sure that worked.